Meet TRILLY NOLAN, CARRIE WHITE, TOMCAT ROSS, CRHISS HARGENSEN, & HENRY TAYLE!

Rescued from a colony in Azusa, these five preposterously adorable kittens have landed starring roles in Stephen King’s Carrie, a heartwarming coming-of-age story about religious extremism, adolescent cruelty, and the consequences of allowing an entire school district to operate without adult supervision. Having survived the indignities of life outdoors, the cast is now enjoying considerably better accommodations, unlimited affection, and a future that promises to be considerably less traumatic than the source material. While the prom committee remains criminally negligent, at least this adaptation has a few characters worth rooting for.

TRILLY NOLAN: With the handsome face of a juvenile delinquent whose parents have already retained criminal defense counsel, Trilly appears destined for a life of spectacularly poor decisions. Fortunately, beneath the bad-boy exterior is an affectionate, playful little gentleman whose idea of organized crime involves stealing a sibling’s toy and immediately inviting the victim to cuddle. His namesake’s idea of romance involved procuring pig’s blood for an act of premeditated cruelty; Trilly prefers more conventional courtship rituals, including enthusiastic headbutts and unsolicited kisses. His rehabilitation appears complete.

CARRIE WHITE: With her immaculate white coat and the unnerving serenity of someone who already knows how the movie ends, Carrie is an unlikely leading lady. Sweet, affectionate, and delightfully curious, she has yet to demonstrate any measurable telekinetic abilities, although several objects have inexplicably fallen from elevated surfaces in her presence. While the evidence is circumstantial and the witnesses unreliable, the death toll among catnip mice continues to rise. Fortunately, her preferred method of dealing with perceived injustice is to demand a cuddle rather than incinerate the gymnasium.

TOMCAT ROSS: Handsome, affectionate, and catastrophically decent, Tomcat is the sort of young man whose willingness to do the right thing makes him uniquely unsuited to surviving a Stephen King adaptation. He is outgoing, playful, and remarkably trusting, approaching a prom invitation in Chamberlain with the confidence of someone who agrees to go hunting with Dick Cheney. His optimism — if not his survival instincts — is admirable.

CRHISS HARGENSEN: Beautiful, confident, and possessed of the sort of face that could launch a thousand high school rivalries, Crhiss has all the makings of a formidable mean girl. Unfortunately for the plot, she is an absolute sweetheart whose enthusiasm for affection makes sustained villainy virtually impossible. She is playful, sociable, and hopelessly devoted to her siblings, which makes her namesake’s commitment to psychological warfare seem particularly embarrassing. The casting director may have made a terrible mistake, but the adoption prospects are excellent.

HENRY TAYLE: As principal of an institution whose disciplinary policies apparently consist of looking the other way until somebody requires hospitalization, Henry has inherited a formidable administrative challenge. Fortunately, this particular administrator is far more interested in making friends than enforcing rules, and his affectionate, easygoing disposition suggests he’d be considerably better suited to running a daycare than supervising a Stephen King high school. His qualifications may be questionable, but his approval ratings are through the roof.

The Carrie kittens will be delivered vaccinated, microchipped, flea treated, dewormed, FIV/FeLV tested, and spayed/neutered.