Meet THE SOPAWNOS!

Hailing from Victorville — the North Jersey of the High Desert — these four come from a proud lineage of tough street cats with questionable connections and even more questionable attitudes. Beginning as small-time kibble thieves, they graduated to organized treat trafficking, protection rackets at the food bowl, and the occasional unauthorized hit on a houseplant before being apprehended and brought into protective custody. But don’t be fooled: although their criminal empire may have fallen, these are still made cats.

TONY: As the undisputed boss of the family, Tony is charismatic, demanding, and accustomed to having his needs addressed immediately. He prefers to conduct business from a comfortable piece of upholstered furniture, surrounded by trusted associates who understand that dinner arriving late is not merely an inconvenience but a profound act of disrespect. He has people, he has expectations, and he sees no compelling reason to distinguish between the two.

CARMELA: Elegant, aloof, and quietly formidable, Carmela keeps a careful distance from anyone who has not yet earned her confidence. She has exacting standards, excellent instincts, and little interest in ingratiating herself with strangers simply because they happen to want her approval. Anyone hoping to enter her inner circle should expect to put in the work; Carmela does not hand out trust like baked ziti at a funeral.

MEADOW: Smart, confident, and considerably more sophisticated than the men around her, Meadow insists that she has absolutely nothing to do with the family business and frankly resents the implication. She has ambitions beyond Victorville, excellent prospects, and every intention of benefiting from the family Churu fund while maintaining strenuous moral objections to whatever activities made it possible.

AJ: As the youngest member of the organization, AJ has yet to establish precisely what he contributes to the family business, but his interpersonal skills are excellent. Friendly, outgoing, and remarkably comfortable with strangers, he approaches virtually everyone as though they have already been properly introduced by a mutual associate. Whatever he may lack in criminal ambition, AJ makes up for in charm, and there is mounting evidence that he intends to coast through life entirely on the strength of being extremely likable.

The Sopawnos are vaccinated, microchipped, flea treated, dewormed, FIV/FeLV negative, spayed/neutered, and ready to enter the witness protection program — preferably in homes with unlimited Churu and absolutely no questions about where the bodies are buried.