Meet ADRIANA LA HAIRVA, FURIO GIUNTA, DR. JENNIFUR MELFI, PHIL LEOPARDO, FEECH LA CLAWNA, CHARMANE BUCCO, & SAL “BIG PUSSY” BONPENSIERO!

The Sopawnos crime syndicate continues to expand, with seven new associates emerging from Victorville (a.k.a, the North Jersey of the High Desert). Apparently having learned nothing from six seasons of federal surveillance, indictments, informants, disappearances, and ruinously expensive therapy, they arrive with considerable charm, highly flexible ethics, and a rather cavalier attitude toward committing crimes in broad daylight.

ADRIANA LA HAIRVA: Gorgeous, affectionate, and temperamentally incapable of discretion, Adriana possesses virtually every quality one could want in a companion and several that become problematic during a federal investigation. Sociable, enthusiastic, and desperate to be liked, she will divulge absolutely everything in exchange for a snack. It appears that the FBI could have saved itself years of surveillance simply by opening a bag of Temptations.

FURIO GIUNTA: Handsome, intense, and imported to handle matters requiring a certain European finesse, Furio conducts himself with the quiet authority of a professional who has never needed to explain what happens when you don’t pay. That composure survives precisely until someone produces a feather wand, at which point the feared enforcer becomes an airborne idiot. Furio happily accepts collections in Churu and has yet to encounter a toy mouse he couldn’t make disappear.

DR. JENNIFUR MELFI: Calm, perceptive, and accustomed to listening while other people arrive at conclusions she reached forty minutes earlier, Dr. Melfi is prepared to explore why you keep calling the cat your “baby” while steadfastly refusing to examine your relationship with your mother. Sessions are fifty minutes, confidentiality is assured, and yes, eventually we are going to have to talk about the ducks.

PHIL LEOPARDO: Proud, uncompromising, and sustained almost entirely by grievance, Phil has endured hardships beyond the comprehension of ordinary cats, and would be delighted to enumerate them for you. He did twenty years in the can. He wanted manicott’; he compromised and ate Churu off the radiator. There was also that time that arrived four minutes late. Frankly, some betrayals you don’t get over.

FEECH LA CLAWNA: Loud, opinionated, and enormously pleased to have an audience again, Feech is a repository of institutional knowledge, most of it unsolicited. He will happily explain how things were done in the old days, when wiseguys had standards, youngsters knew their place, and minor disagreements were resolved with admirable efficiency: somebody got whacked. Do not interrupt him. You’ll only make it longer.

CHARMANE BUCCO: Smart, self-possessed, and perpetually surrounded by people exercising catastrophically poor judgment, Charmane has the practiced patience of someone who has already explained, in considerable detail, exactly how this is going to end. Sensible, affectionate, and blessed with excellent instincts, she isn’t technically judging you. The expression of profound disappointment on her face is almost certainly unrelated.

SAL “BIG PUSSY” BONPENSIERO: Affable, devoted, and behaving in a manner that should not arouse any suspicion whatsoever, Big Pussy remains a trusted member of the inner circle. His sudden curiosity about your whereabouts, associates, finances, and prosecutable felonies is purely conversational, and he would appreciate it if you could repeat that last part a little closer to his chest. The lump is nothing, so please stop looking at it.

The Sopawnos will be delivered vaccinated, microchipped, flea treated, dewormed, FIV/FeLV tested, and spayed/neutered.

Please note: Like any respectable crime syndicate, the Sopawnos prefer to operate in pairs. Therefore, we prioritize applicants looking to bring home two associates. Individual placements are reserved for homes already infiltrated by another young cat. After all, even a made cat needs an accomplice.