The Tech Titans
Meet the TECH TITANS!
Rescued along with their mom, Sheryl Sandfurg, from Facebook Marketplace, these seven exceptionally gorgeous little creatures have already survived their first hostile takeover. Fortunately, the acquisition was orchestrated by an organization with considerably better corporate ethics, and the entire executive suite has since been relocated to more prestigious headquarters, where the compensation packages are obscene, productivity expectations are nonexistent, and sleeping with the boss is actively encouraged.
MARK ZUCKERPURRG: A socially ambitious little billionaire whose understanding of personal boundaries is approximately as sophisticated as Meta’s approach to consumer privacy, Mark believes that every human interaction represents an opportunity for aggressive data collection. He monitors bathroom visits, tracks household movements, and insists on maintaining uninterrupted visual access to his constituents, although his own activities remain conveniently exempt from scrutiny. Despite his obsession with social networking, Mark remains baffled by conventional feline etiquette and frequently attempts to establish friendships by staring at other cats without blinking. Having recently invested heavily in the metaverse, Mark is particularly enthusiastic about a future in which everyone wears a headset and nobody notices that his understanding of normal social interaction remains decidedly theoretical.
SATYA PAWDELLA: A polished little corporate executive who has mastered the art of appearing indispensable while delegating absolutely everything to someone else, Satya is determined to integrate artificial intelligence into every aspect of household management. Unfortunately, his revolutionary technology has yet to figure out how to open a can of food, operate a litter scoop, or retrieve the seventeen toy mice he has strategically deposited beneath the refrigerator. His latest innovation, an AI-powered automatic feeder, has been met with considerable skepticism after failing to dispense breakfast six hours ahead of schedule. Nevertheless, Satya remains confident that replacing the entire domestic workforce with AI will dramatically improve productivity, provided someone continues showing up to feed him, entertain him, and scratch his exceptionally handsome little head.
REED HISSTINGS: A calculating little entertainment mogul who believes that affection should be available exclusively through a paid subscription service, Reed has developed a revolutionary business model in which humans are charged monthly for the privilege of occupying their own furniture. Cuddles are available on the premium tier, purring requires an additional fee, and sharing a password with another household member constitutes a material breach of contract. His programming consists largely of dramatic chases through the living room, inexplicable attacks on innocent shoelaces, and extended footage of himself sleeping in positions that would require emergency orthopedic intervention in any other species. Reed also reserves the right to cancel your favorite activities without explanation, usually by sitting directly on whatever you happen to be doing. His most successful original production, Stranger Things in the Litter Box, has already been renewed for six seasons.
JEFF STRAYZOS: A ruthlessly ambitious little capitalist who has built an entire commercial empire around cardboard boxes, Jeff believes that all goods and services should be delivered directly to his doorstep, preferably within two hours and without compensating the individual responsible. His business model relies on aggressive market expansion, the systematic elimination of competitors, and a domestic workforce willing to scoop litter, refill food bowls, and retrieve toys from beneath the sofa in exchange for the occasional acknowledgment of their existence. Having amassed an imaginary fortune sufficient to purchase a small country, Jeff nevertheless insists on sleeping in a shipping carton that somebody else paid for. His latest venture, a subscription service promising unlimited same-day delivery of Churu, has encountered logistical difficulties because Jeff insists on consuming the entire inventory before it reaches the customer.
JENSEN CLAWNG: A devastatingly handsome little tech mogul whose extraordinary processing power is apparently matched only by his vulnerability to a well-executed honeypot operation, Jensen specializes in artificial intelligence, questionable romantic judgment, and the unauthorized transfer of sensitive information to anyone willing to scratch behind his ears. His cybersecurity protocols are particularly vulnerable to attractive strangers bearing Churu, and he has been known to surrender his entire intellectual property portfolio in exchange for a sufficiently persuasive belly rub. His corporate empire may be worth billions, but his ability to recognize a red flag remains decidedly underdeveloped.
MARISSA MEWER: An exquisitely beautiful little executive who arrived with impeccable credentials, extravagant expectations, and the unfortunate distinction of having inherited a company whose best days were already behind it, Marissa is determined to restore Yahoo to its former glory. Her turnaround strategy involves micromanaging every aspect of household operations, demanding a lavishly appointed private nursery, and holding lengthy executive meetings during which absolutely nothing is accomplished beyond the occasional destruction of office supplies. Having famously abolished remote work, Marissa now requires all employees to report in person for mandatory cuddle sessions, preferably while she reclines on their keyboards. Although her shareholders have expressed concerns about declining performance, Marissa maintains that the company is thriving, particularly when measured in naps, compliments, Churu consumption, and the number of humans willing to accommodate her increasingly unreasonable demands.
ELON MEWSK: An erratic little industrialist with grandiose ambitions and the emotional regulation of a toddler denied access to a flamethrower, Elon has appointed himself head of the Department of Government Efficiency and immediately demanded a chainsaw. His proposed reforms include eliminating 80% of the household workforce, dismantling the regulatory framework governing meal schedules, and replacing conventional transportation with rockets that have an unfortunate tendency to explode. His own aerospace program consists primarily of launching himself off furniture, miscalculating the distance to his intended landing site, and blaming the nearest houseplant for the resulting catastrophe. Despite having never performed a single productive task in his life, Elon remains convinced that civilization depends on his leadership. His latest business venture involves purchasing the household’s most popular communication platform, renaming it X, and then caterwauling into it at three in the morning.
The Tech Titans will be delivered vaccinated, microchipped, flea treated, dewormed, FIV/FeLV tested, spayed/neutered, and preferentially in pairs or trios.
The Tech Titans
Meet the TECH TITANS!
Rescued along with their mom, Sheryl Sandfurg, from Facebook Marketplace, these seven exceptionally gorgeous little creatures have already survived their first hostile takeover. Fortunately, the acquisition was orchestrated by an organization with considerably better corporate ethics, and the entire executive suite has since been relocated to more prestigious headquarters, where the compensation packages are obscene, productivity expectations are nonexistent, and sleeping with the boss is actively encouraged.
MARK ZUCKERPURRG: A socially ambitious little billionaire whose understanding of personal boundaries is approximately as sophisticated as Meta’s approach to consumer privacy, Mark believes that every human interaction represents an opportunity for aggressive data collection. He monitors bathroom visits, tracks household movements, and insists on maintaining uninterrupted visual access to his constituents, although his own activities remain conveniently exempt from scrutiny. Despite his obsession with social networking, Mark remains baffled by conventional feline etiquette and frequently attempts to establish friendships by staring at other cats without blinking. Having recently invested heavily in the metaverse, Mark is particularly enthusiastic about a future in which everyone wears a headset and nobody notices that his understanding of normal social interaction remains decidedly theoretical.
SATYA PAWDELLA: A polished little corporate executive who has mastered the art of appearing indispensable while delegating absolutely everything to someone else, Satya is determined to integrate artificial intelligence into every aspect of household management. Unfortunately, his revolutionary technology has yet to figure out how to open a can of food, operate a litter scoop, or retrieve the seventeen toy mice he has strategically deposited beneath the refrigerator. His latest innovation, an AI-powered automatic feeder, has been met with considerable skepticism after failing to dispense breakfast six hours ahead of schedule. Nevertheless, Satya remains confident that replacing the entire domestic workforce with AI will dramatically improve productivity, provided someone continues showing up to feed him, entertain him, and scratch his exceptionally handsome little head.
REED HISSTINGS: A calculating little entertainment mogul who believes that affection should be available exclusively through a paid subscription service, Reed has developed a revolutionary business model in which humans are charged monthly for the privilege of occupying their own furniture. Cuddles are available on the premium tier, purring requires an additional fee, and sharing a password with another household member constitutes a material breach of contract. His programming consists largely of dramatic chases through the living room, inexplicable attacks on innocent shoelaces, and extended footage of himself sleeping in positions that would require emergency orthopedic intervention in any other species. Reed also reserves the right to cancel your favorite activities without explanation, usually by sitting directly on whatever you happen to be doing. His most successful original production, Stranger Things in the Litter Box, has already been renewed for six seasons.
JEFF STRAYZOS: A ruthlessly ambitious little capitalist who has built an entire commercial empire around cardboard boxes, Jeff believes that all goods and services should be delivered directly to his doorstep, preferably within two hours and without compensating the individual responsible. His business model relies on aggressive market expansion, the systematic elimination of competitors, and a domestic workforce willing to scoop litter, refill food bowls, and retrieve toys from beneath the sofa in exchange for the occasional acknowledgment of their existence. Having amassed an imaginary fortune sufficient to purchase a small country, Jeff nevertheless insists on sleeping in a shipping carton that somebody else paid for. His latest venture, a subscription service promising unlimited same-day delivery of Churu, has encountered logistical difficulties because Jeff insists on consuming the entire inventory before it reaches the customer.
JENSEN CLAWNG: A devastatingly handsome little tech mogul whose extraordinary processing power is apparently matched only by his vulnerability to a well-executed honeypot operation, Jensen specializes in artificial intelligence, questionable romantic judgment, and the unauthorized transfer of sensitive information to anyone willing to scratch behind his ears. His cybersecurity protocols are particularly vulnerable to attractive strangers bearing Churu, and he has been known to surrender his entire intellectual property portfolio in exchange for a sufficiently persuasive belly rub. His corporate empire may be worth billions, but his ability to recognize a red flag remains decidedly underdeveloped.
MARISSA MEWER: An exquisitely beautiful little executive who arrived with impeccable credentials, extravagant expectations, and the unfortunate distinction of having inherited a company whose best days were already behind it, Marissa is determined to restore Yahoo to its former glory. Her turnaround strategy involves micromanaging every aspect of household operations, demanding a lavishly appointed private nursery, and holding lengthy executive meetings during which absolutely nothing is accomplished beyond the occasional destruction of office supplies. Having famously abolished remote work, Marissa now requires all employees to report in person for mandatory cuddle sessions, preferably while she reclines on their keyboards. Although her shareholders have expressed concerns about declining performance, Marissa maintains that the company is thriving, particularly when measured in naps, compliments, Churu consumption, and the number of humans willing to accommodate her increasingly unreasonable demands.
ELON MEWSK: An erratic little industrialist with grandiose ambitions and the emotional regulation of a toddler denied access to a flamethrower, Elon has appointed himself head of the Department of Government Efficiency and immediately demanded a chainsaw. His proposed reforms include eliminating 80% of the household workforce, dismantling the regulatory framework governing meal schedules, and replacing conventional transportation with rockets that have an unfortunate tendency to explode. His own aerospace program consists primarily of launching himself off furniture, miscalculating the distance to his intended landing site, and blaming the nearest houseplant for the resulting catastrophe. Despite having never performed a single productive task in his life, Elon remains convinced that civilization depends on his leadership. His latest business venture involves purchasing the household’s most popular communication platform, renaming it X, and then caterwauling into it at three in the morning.
The Tech Titans will be delivered vaccinated, microchipped, flea treated, dewormed, FIV/FeLV tested, spayed/neutered, and preferentially in pairs or trios.